My Dear Husband,
I had a few days of strength. I'm not sure what brought them on. Perhaps getting your letters. Perhaps the time that I got to spend with other adults. I was treading on the line of cockiness... or maybe pride: "I can do this. In fact, I'm pretty sure my husband will come home and be utterly stunned and amazed by how incredible I am!"
Then it all came crashing down, yesterday, and left me crippled on the floor of my own mind.
I can't even cry.
I've tried.
The most I can do is allow my eyes to water and then it's gone again. Sometimes a tear will fall, but it feels like a lie. A selfish, self-pitying falsehood.
I wish I could cry. Wouldn't I feel better to let it all out?
I know two things right now. I know that I'm in a dark enough condition to give a few seconds of thought in bad places. Places where I wonder if neglecting myself would really be that bad. Places where self-destructive behavior sounds like a reasonable way to purge my feelings.
I also know that these feelings will not last and that in a day or two, hopefully sooner, I will look back at this moment and know that I wasn't myself. I can feel myself floundering, but I know I will find the air soon. I have to believe that. I have to.
I was aware enough of my state of mind last night to pull out my scriptures (which had gotten a little dusty) and try to find something to pick me up.
I found the bookmarks you put in when you gave the scriptures to me as a gift. I never moved the bookmarks because I didn't want to forget what you were trying to tell me. I also found a few scriptures that I had marked as important. I think I may have marked them back then because I thought they were beautiful and faith-promoting. Now I know I marked them, completely unaware, because I needed them now.
Luke 1:37 - For with God nothing shall be impossible.
Jacob Chapter 2 - All of it!
Jacob Chapter 3 - All of it, but especially Jacob 3:1 - Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions.
I feel like I've been praying a lot; nearly every moment of every day. It may be that I've been seeking relief from my pain and loneliness and not comfort and consolation. I think I will have to change the way I pray. I will have to remember that, while I am strong as an individual, I am not strong enough to go through this time without His help.
I love you. I miss you. I am learning to be as brave as you are.
Yours,
Girly
